First things first I’ll have to explain that the image may be a little dodgy because my boyfriend’s laptop isn’t very good with graphics. Also, this challenge is going to be very revealing and this particular post may be triggering or disturbing for some people so please be careful.
Most people would use this first entry of the challenge to talk about a superficial thing they hate about themselves, their tummy, their nose, their eyes, etc however mine is something a little different. Let me start from the beginning.
I was diagnosed with an eating disorder at the age of 16, though I had been suffering from eating issues for a long time prior to that. I went into self recovery but soon relapsed into a very bad case of bulimia.
I was bullied through highschool and endured an abusive relationship for 4 years and my Eating Disorder became my way of dealing with my troubles and the confusing thoughts in my head. I was recently told that if I did not cut down on my binge/purge I would be dead very soon due to the ammount of stomach ulcers I’ve caused due to purging. On top of that my mental state is very low. I cannot work and I have to have my parents and my boyfriend look after me and make sure I’m safe. I’m very dependant on other people in order to be happy or survive.
The side-effects of my eating disorder are incomprehendable. I have serious memory loss. I can barely remember anything over my 20 years of life. I cant concentrate. I find it hard to learn new things. I find it very hard to trust people and I’m constantly paranoid. I’m afraid of people. I’m afraid of myself. And I think what hurts me the most is the fact I was recently told that my actions with my eating have made it near impossible for me to concieve.
My relationship with my boyfriend is very hard. There are days when I dont know who I am or where I am. There are days when I wont let him near me, wont let him touch me, wont let him see me naked. There are days when I can’t imagine why he could be with a person like me. My parents find it very hard to deal with to. They dont understand why their daughter has chosen to destroy herself in such a way but that’s the thing, it’s not a choice. I did not chose this and I wish my life was different. I wish I was normal.
The thing I hate about myself is my bulimia but I’m getting help. I’m with a therapist, I’m on tranquilisers, I’m seeing a CPN and my GP, all to help me get on the right track. For those of you out there who have or may think you have an eating disorder then there is always help out there for you. You dont have to suffer alone. You’re beautiful, we’re all beautiful in fact and no one deserves to live with this monster.
Thank you for reading.