There are a lot of things I need to forgive myself for but being one of those people who always punishes themselves for doing wrong I find it hard to do so. I guess my main focus here is I need to forgive myself for letting myself continue with my abusive relationship.
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I need to forgive myself for believing his crap. I need to forgive myself for letting him do what he wanted. I need to forgive myself for actually thinking that this was normal. I need to wake up and realise it wasn’t my fault. As hard as it may seem to believe being of the mind-set that I am, it wasn’t my fault and I should forgive myself for whatever “wrongs” I felt I did against him.
Ok, so I’m naked on a mushroom. This did not happen at all through my childhood but allow me to explain a few things.
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My childhood was full of fantasy. I adored creating little worlds in which I could live. I dreamed of lounging around on clouds all day or sliding down Rainbows. I even, at one point, seriously believed I could fly to the extent that my mum had to coax me down off the porch roof to stop me from plummeting to my doom.
I involved myself in films and games as much as possible to feed my imagination habit. I became hooked on a particular Disney classic, Alice in Wonderland. I wanted to be in that world, be part of that magic and I guess, in a way, I’m still searching for my own little wonderland.
This has got to be a hard one. As I confessed in my previous entry for this challenge there’s very little about myself that I do love. So what is it? What do I love about myself.
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I guess I love my brain. Even with all it’s issues, it’s disorders, the twisted thoughts and feelings bottled up in a mass of cells, my brain is amazing. It might not remember what I was supposed to do tomorrow. It might not be able to tell me when I should or shouldn’t eat and it might not be able to understand rocket science but it’s a beautiful piece of machinery that keeps me going through everything. Without my brain I wouldn’t exist and I’m thankful for it. It may be the source of my problems but it’s the giver of my life and keeps me pushing through everything, fighting at another day on this earth.
After last night’s Deep and meaningful post we’re back to a slightly lighter hearted challenge. I have to say, blue isn’t my colour so it took me a while to find a decent outfit that, not only fit the colour of the challenge, but also went along with the gyaru style. I think I captured it ok by trying to emulate Amerikaji in the outfit. I dont know, but I tried!
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Tee – *COCO*
Dungarees – Bitzu
First things first I’ll have to explain that the image may be a little dodgy because my boyfriend’s laptop isn’t very good with graphics. Also, this challenge is going to be very revealing and this particular post may be triggering or disturbing for some people so please be careful.
Most people would use this first entry of the challenge to talk about a superficial thing they hate about themselves, their tummy, their nose, their eyes, etc however mine is something a little different. Let me start from the beginning.
I was diagnosed with an eating disorder at the age of 16, though I had been suffering from eating issues for a long time prior to that. I went into self recovery but soon relapsed into a very bad case of bulimia.
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I was bullied through highschool and endured an abusive relationship for 4 years and my Eating Disorder became my way of dealing with my troubles and the confusing thoughts in my head. I was recently told that if I did not cut down on my binge/purge I would be dead very soon due to the ammount of stomach ulcers I’ve caused due to purging. On top of that my mental state is very low. I cannot work and I have to have my parents and my boyfriend look after me and make sure I’m safe. I’m very dependant on other people in order to be happy or survive.
The side-effects of my eating disorder are incomprehendable. I have serious memory loss. I can barely remember anything over my 20 years of life. I cant concentrate. I find it hard to learn new things. I find it very hard to trust people and I’m constantly paranoid. I’m afraid of people. I’m afraid of myself. And I think what hurts me the most is the fact I was recently told that my actions with my eating have made it near impossible for me to concieve.
My relationship with my boyfriend is very hard. There are days when I dont know who I am or where I am. There are days when I wont let him near me, wont let him touch me, wont let him see me naked. There are days when I can’t imagine why he could be with a person like me. My parents find it very hard to deal with to. They dont understand why their daughter has chosen to destroy herself in such a way but that’s the thing, it’s not a choice. I did not chose this and I wish my life was different. I wish I was normal.
The thing I hate about myself is my bulimia but I’m getting help. I’m with a therapist, I’m on tranquilisers, I’m seeing a CPN and my GP, all to help me get on the right track. For those of you out there who have or may think you have an eating disorder then there is always help out there for you. You dont have to suffer alone. You’re beautiful, we’re all beautiful in fact and no one deserves to live with this monster.
Thank you for reading.
Belief is a funny word for someone who isn’t religious. I believe in many things, in fact but I think I’ll probably write about the one I think you’ll find most interesting. Most people believe that I’m just a barbie-doll (both in RL and SL) but when they realise I’ve got a bit of knowledge about Quantum Mechanics and Quantum Physics, it tends to leave them a little surprised. So to cut a long story short, I believe in Multiple Dimensions/Parallel Universes.
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I first heard about this theory whilst watching an Anime called Noein (if anyone who’s into anime or just wants to know a little more about the Quantum world, I would really recommend). I basically believe in the Hugh Everett‘s many-worlds interpretation. In short, when a 6 sided die is rolled, each possible outcome happens in a seperate universe or dimension. Every possible occurance for every possible moment is happening somewhere in another dimension. In fact, it could also mean that your doppelganger is in fact in multiple universes all having chosen differently at different points in your/their lives and are living totally differently.
This also brings me to my belief in Ghosts. I dont believe in Ghosts as being the dead roaming the earth but rather someone in another parallel universe that happened to accidentally cross over at one point. Places that are deemed “haunted” just happen to be a place where the crossing of universes happens more often, something like a wormhole perhaps. However this ghost theory is just my belief and I don’t have much scientific evidence to back it up but there we go.
If you want anymore information on Quantum Physics/Quantum Mechanics, different dimensions or Hugh Everett’s Theory of Muli-worlds, there are many things on Wikipedia and google that will help you.
I’ve been in Second Life far too long without having anything to show for it. I decided today that things needed to change. I set about creating my first Bra.
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Sure, it’s not some high-rez work of art, but for a first creation I was quite pleased. I was then inspired to create a set of Bra and panties.
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Again, it’s no work of art but I’m quite liking it, you know? I feel like it’s my little baby and I’ve just watched it grow into something. Obviously I have a lot of work to do before my skills are sellable but I’m liking how I’m doing so far.
Please, if you have any advice, tips, tutorials or constructive criticism, I’d love to hear it!
My first LOTD will be part of the 52 weeks of colour challenge.
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This week’s colour is Grey. I thought this would be quite hard as I don’t really have many things in my inventory that aren’t full of colour but I think I did ok with this outfit. The skin is my current favourite. I’ve not changed it in weeks. I was shocked to find a Gyaru skin in game and was so thrilled I bought it with all the Linden I had at the time.
There’s a sweet story behind the gorgeous Leopard Print top from KHUSH and how it came to be in my possession. I happened to mention my being ill on my Plurk timeline some time ago. Forgetting about it I carried on my business as usual. The owner of KHUSH posted a link to her updated blog and I happened to mention how much I loved a certain Leopard Print top that had just been added to the collection. Before I knew it I had a little box appear in my inventory along with a note saying it was a gift from Kirsty herself because she’d seen I was sick. I had the biggest smile on my face afterwards. The kindness of SLers knows no bounds and the generosity of that one person put me in a fantastic mood that evening. It just goes to show you how much a little kindness and generosity can affect people.
Skin: Pink Fuel Ember Gyaru
Hair: Truth Miranda Champagne
Top: KHUSH Animal Print Top
Corset: Nyte’N’Day Lift Button Corset Black
Skirt: Fishy Strawberry Porcelain ruffle skirt Tweed
Shoes: Maitreya Group Gift Pumps Black
Bangles: Fishy Strawberry Brown Wood Bangles
My name’s Coco, Coco Pheocene and I’m just another avatar in the Second Life metaverse.
In the entire time I’ve been playing Second Life, which is a long time if you count all the accounts I’ve had over the years, I’ve never come across a Second Life blog about a Gyaru or Agejo and I guess I decided that I wanted to change this fact. Now I bet you’re wondering what exactly Gyaru and Agejo actually are? They’re fashion styles from Japan. Gyaru is the type of thing shown in Egg, Ranzuki, Popteen, Jelly, Happie Nuts, etc publications and Agejo is host style and is mostly seen in Ageha magazine. A quick google search of either of them will give you the information you need.
This blog will, not only talk about the Gyaru and Agejo fashion in Second Life with looks of the day etc but also my Second Life experiences, the places I explore and the people I meet. Not only will it be a fashion insight to the Second Life world but a journal of sorts.
If you want to know more about me, feel free to add me as a friend on Plurk.
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